I feel that this discovery may be detrimental to my productivity for the remainder of my college stay.

All I wanna do is dance around and feel really soulful music, listen to the beatles who I used to absolutely hate, sing, run around without no clothes, go natural no makeup, and wear my hair wild and sexy, lay out under the meteor showers and in the frigid cold by the lake and contemplate life, but isnt that what it's all about? I mean I always felt really solid and who I was and I'm not questioning my self as a person but how the world functions around me, why people do things they do. Whats wrong with being sexually deviant and a little explicit at times. Who cares if a bunch of kids have a wild foam party with loud music, get drunk and laugh all night, teenagers feel were indestructable. I want a revolution, I want change in the world. Change makes me happy. I want to see millions of kids like me flood the streets and take up our voices for something we care about, so can someone in the world fuck up so we can stop being so complacent? I mean what am I gonna tell my grandkids my generation was known for? Being selfish and electing a black president? Sure we "elected" (hah hah punny lol) for change but are we really apart of it? Fuck no.

I think what I'm really going into is my inability to feel lately. My whole life used to be turmoil and hurt and pain harsh wind against my face hail and sleet against my skin when I was dying inside was my comfort place. I worked so hard to escape that when really all I want is to be blown away by SOMETHING just to know I can feel and be overwhelemed by the beauty of life again. I can look with wide open eyes and sob because I have seen someone vulnerable and lovely.

So I know this will be totally lame but I read to escape the world and feel what others feel. I live off other peoples emotions. Once upon a time FOUR YEARS AGO I read New Moon. Now for those of you who are farmiliar shut the fuck up, its a book get over yourselves, I'm not obsessed, I'm just obsessed with reading. For those of you who aren't there is a scene where the main character goes cliff diving into frigid dark ocean water and nearly ends her own life. (there is also a song that describes it perfectly called INTO THE OCEAN by BLUE OCTOBER) I highly reccomend listening to it. But the point is lately I've been clinging to that scene I read for my feeling. listening to the song live and studio and feeling the singers emotions and pain and desperation for something in that moment. I need something to stir up my life I need some tradgedy some wild event. I WANNA BE FUCKING HIGH OFF LIFE AGAIN!

Except good old Lakeland can't do that for me. Life with never satisfy my need to feel. Thankyou for reading